The Gordon Clan (aka siblings)

This is a hard subject for me to write about. Not because situations are "hard", but because there is SO MUCH going on at any given moment. We are not Dramatic people. Although, we all have our separate families and are at different points in our lives. I guess I give you insight on how each has helped me in the last few months or where they are currently at.

Chy (not shown in the picture, deceased) I still have yet to forgive him.

Nathan and Robyn have given Luke and I a ton of really useful financial advice. They have been 'there' and done 'that'. I am really glad that we can talk to them openly about our wants and needs and get their honest opinions.

Corry and Kele are living with Joshua and Chloe's. She is going to school and helping around the house. Honestly, I don't know more than that. I know that not every day is great.

Joshua and Chloe, I over flowing with happiness whenever I see them. I just can't believe how strong Josh has been. I am so very proud of the things he has done recently.

Joel and Christina are always there to help me up and out of anything. I know I can count on them to be there. It sucks that I have had to rely on them so much lately. But, I am happy that they have been able to be there for me and us.

So, there is the immediate clan in a box... :D

The Tree from which I Fell

Together I feel that my parents have prepared me for everything that they could. I am one of the very very lucky ones, I had the pleasure and ability to grow up with a loving family. Even today we are all very close. We all live in the the Utah County area, we see each other at least every month or so, and we jump at the chance to help each other. I should thank my parents for this every day.

First Love

Growing up I had a lot of hobbies to keep myself entertained. I was not an only child. But, my closet brother was 7 years older then me. And most of my other siblings were already starting to move again. So, I made computers out of cardboard, dresses for my "my size" barbie doll (which unfortunately was realistically WAS my size for far too long), and playing witch doctor with the neighbor girls that I didn't like. Those are all great stories but the love I would like to share with you is much closer to my heart.

As every other child I burned through after school activities like a wild fire. Only one truly stuck. That was playing my guitar. I would race home (not early but at 6) to sit alone in my room alone to play her. I came up with a ton of songs, but only ever "completed" 3. Everything was great. Till I killed it for myself. When my brother died I remember trying to pour all of my feelings into that old guitar. Anything to get them out. As I healed from that dark experience I grew away from my guitar as well. Like all first loves, it didn't seem to last long enough.

Now, she hangs on my wall with her counterparts. I will bring one down occasionally to strum it a while. But, never again will it be the same.

Healing

On friday Dylan, Chris, and I went to get our tattoos done together. We have been planing on getting these done for years. But, I am happy that we waited until now. It turned out perfect. We had one artist at our disposal for about 3 1/2 hours. :D It will take about 2-3 weeks to fully heal and looks different every day.

I was able to get together with a really good friend last night. I hope things are healing. I need to remember that I can not control the people that I love in my life. I need to remember that I would probably do the same if I were in their positions. So, to those that I love that have been hurt by me, know that it is a flaw of mine and I truly am sorry.

Health-wise, I have never been healthier in my life. Come to find out that I have not ever had ulcers AND I am NOT Lactose intolerant! I was raised lactose intolerant! So, what am I going to do with this new found information? NOTHING! HA! I'm not going to go eat a whole tub of ice cream or anything, I know what you were thinking. I am well informed that doing so could make anyone sick. So, thank you, but I will pass on laying in bed with a tummy ache. Also, I stopped taking that ridiculous medication. 4 times a day on an empty stomach an hour before I eat?! HA! No thanks! There are too many variables that I just wont live by. Not to mention the fact that IF they did work, I would be on them for the rest of my life... PASS!

So, on to a happy, healing, GREAT new week!

Even Brighter then the Moon

Good News:

Luke got a new JOB! Scratch that a CAREER! It is at ViaWest in SLC. I am so totally happy, excited, and slightly really jealous of him of him! Guess it is time again for me to hit up craigslist. On that note we will probably be moving up there within the next year or so.

We are comfortably excelling, financially, relationship-wise, and all around. Now if the weather would cooperate...

The stupidest, smart dog is finding his place in the world, slowly but surly. Crate training him has really really helped. Although, Luke and I hope that when he is old we will not have to put him in a cage at night, for now it is all I can do to keep myself from killing him.

My internship is over... mixed news on this part. I am happy to not have to go to games any longer. I am sad that I no longer have the drive and direction that it provided for my future career.

We make too much money now for me to have any chance of getting a grant. This should be a good thing... and it truly is. The problem presences itself in the form that School is EXPENSIVE. I have started filling out scholarships to help will in the huge gap. Maybe, someday I will be able to find myself in a "classroom". (I want to take school online)

I went in for my EGD on April Fools day. They said that I am overall very healthy. They did find that my stomach lining is a little bit redder then it should be and they took a sample to test. I will know the full results this week. I am now taking 4 huge horse pills a day to help with the "redness". I go in for a gallbladder ultrasound tomorrow morning to see if they can find why i feel like crap all the time.

I am going to get my tattoo on FRIDAY! Wish me luck that I do not cry. :D

I look forward to the upcoming changes in my life and hope for the best.

The Strength to Get Up Off My Knees

I have felt pretty damn lost lately. As I try to cling to those who care for me, I find myself more empty handed then ever before. Don't get me wrong Luke, Justin, and my family do their best to fill in the holes that I find... it's just not all the same. I have been attempting to heal from the stupid choices in my life. It is an extremely long and grueling process. I know that I have done a lot of dumb things in my life but none have haunted me the same way as now. Perhaps all of this needed to happen now instead of waiting 10 years down the line when I would not be able to handle it the same way.... maybe...